Fat Guys And Bow Ties

Somebody told me I was fat the other day… And of all things it was my little nephew. You just have to love the honesty of children. While the parent was quickly trying to teach him some manners, he was just telling things like it is.

So how did I get this way? I am pretty sure I woke up one day, and the fat was on me. I feel so young, and believe myself to be so handsome, yet, looking in the mirror of that little kid’s eyes, there I was, fat and old. I like to think of my condition as “Having an over active fork” But the truth is, as we get older, all the natural forces inside of our bodies that fight the onslaught of FAT, get weak, and need our help.

I know I am not alone in this battle, I see fat people all around me. I even joke about them. I just never knew that I had fallen prey to the siege of fat cells. It is great that we live in a country where we can get fat. Some places on this globe don’t have enough food to go around. So the astonishing thing is, while we are all getting fat, and throwing away food as garbage, we have very little cloth to cover our burgeoning physiques. While in some countries, as people scrap for a morsel of food, their bodies being smaller, they have plenty of cloth left over.

This problem is seen very clearly when you see the “Big Sale” at the local department store. Women (and men too) fighting each other to get in the store first, to get first crack at the limited availability of fine clothing especially designed to cover our growing bodies, in a fashionable way. It is hilarious to see how women’s clothing is marketed, so as to mask the fact that the buyer is “FAT”. Instead of say, sizing a pair of slacks as a 34” waist, it is cleverly disguised as a 5-6. Now after growing up, and getting a little wiser, I am determined that the Home Ed class these girls took in high school, taught them the code for women sizes. Now, a fat girl, if she is short enough, can buy from the “petite” sizes. Honestly, I am still a little confused. We men, being the logical creatures that we are, measure our sizes accurately. You see, if the pants have a 34” waist, it will measure 34”. Of course, that don’t mean we too are not controlled by vanity. What we do, is wear our pants way below our waist, so, even though we have a 46” waist, we can easily fit into a 38” pair of slacks. This of course presents another problem, our ties, that’s right, now my ties do not reach all the way to my pants waist line. There are things we can do to correct this, one is buy longer ties. But this has become a problem lately, what with all the fat people in this country, as I said, cloth is sparse, and hard to come by, so finding a long tie anymore is almost impossible. I find myself tying my Windsor knot, with barely an inch of tail, hardly enough to keep the tie tight. Looks good at first, but as the shirt tail begins to slip out of the pants (forced out by all that fat), the tie gets shorter all the time.

There is only one solution to this whole mess we are in here in the states. First, because we cannot quit eating so much food, and we refuse to exercise, we need to begin to share our food with these other hungry countries. Who in turn, can start sharing their cloth with us. Eventually we will all start to even up, us getting smaller, and dressed really nice, and them, getting bigger, and still dressed really nice. But in the meantime, I am going shopping for some bow ties. You want to join me at the Big Sale?